Gotta Live For Me! {a story}

Once upon a time, there was a girl. This girl was a "people pleaser" personality. She was always striving to help people and to make everyone else happy. She always put everyone else's wants and needs before her own. She also had trouble telling people no. Eventually she stopped genuinely liking to help people, yet she continued to do it because it was all she knew. Well, one ordinary day she met a very special boy, and they both inadvertently changed each other's ways of thinking. The girl and her boy friend grew into a woman and a man... the girl, now a woman, still could not help but to help people, and it was starting to become her downfall, because it seemed that everytime she succeeded in making one person happy, there was someone else who was unhappy, and when she tried to make that person happy someone else was unhappy. The cycle just continued, and it eventually made the woman unhappy... She had this dilemma for quite some time, until one day, she had enough.

"I've come to realize that it is impossible to please everyone all the time. It's wearing me down to try. I can't go on like this. I've got to live for me!"

Fade To Black: a 2-Part Work

<[The Prose (Part 1)]>

Crazy how life does you...

You think you've finally brought it together... That your planets have finally aligned, and you've got everything right with your world... Then life snatches the rug right from under your feet, causing you to fall flat on your a--... I mean... Face. As you lay there attempting to figure out how you got to this place, you begin to notice them... All the pieces of you scattered about. There's big ones, small ones, some as big as your head... Wait, IS that your head? You can't tell, all the pieces, once so recognizable when a part of a whole, are now indistinguished. You try to get up, but you find that the weight of the world is on your back--- Yes, your BACK, not your shoulders. You struggle to right yourself, but the effort is too much for you. As you realize that you're not a worthy contender in the match of LIFE, you give up and drift into blackness...

... or do you???

<[The Poem (Part 2)]>

Broken into a million scattered pieces
My heart...
---It would hurt... if there was any of it left to feel pain
But there isn't...
---You've ripped it out of my chest
------Thrown it to the ground, stomped on it
Ground it into dust...
---Ashes to ashes, right?
My heart has died, reverted to its dust form
Will you be at the funeral?
...No you don't care enough to attend, do you?
---...didn't think so...
But WAIT, was that just a beat I heard?
---...nah just wishful thinking
There's no hope for it...
---Why?
------...Cuz the last time this happened, I made SURE to get a DNR order
The pain's too great, when they resuscitate...
So...
---When you murdered my love
...A flatline on the moniter, no coming back...
---As my heart faded to black...

Shattered Destiny: Part 1

-Shattered-

DEAD.
The word, floating through her mind, repeats itself once, twice, three times. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way, yet there he is, facedown in the bathtub, unmoving, and here she is, huddled in the corner, trembling, mumbling to herself…

* * * * * * * * * * * *
-Destiny-

I relaxed in the tub, reading Afterburn by Zane, my favorite author. For once, my son, De'Sean, was quiet. I was grateful for that, because I needed a little bit of peace and quiet. Being a mother is hard work, especially when you aren’t much more than a child yourself. I am only nineteen years old, barely out of adolescence, as my mother used to always say to me before we stopped speaking. She also used to tell me that my baby’s father, KeShawn, is no good, but that’s beside the point.

Anyway, my son was sleeping, which meant that I should have been sleeping too. But for some reason, my sleep pattern was off, and at 1:30 A.M., I was wide awake, so I decided to take a long hot bath. I put down the book and began to daydream, thinking back to before De'Sean was born, before I was pregnant, when KeShawn and I were together and going strong, when I was happier.

“Destiny, me and you is gonna get married one day, baby. I’ma give you the world on a silver platter.”

“Fa real? You wanna marry me?”

“Of course boo, I jus’ gotta save up so I could buy you a nice engagement ring. Then we could make it official. We gonna buy us a big ol’ house with a big backyard and have us a house fulla kids.”

So many promises made to me.

So many promises unfulfilled.

Instead of keeping his promises, he betrayed me, shattered my world, and destroyed all my hopes, dreams, and fantasies.

I was apprehensive. I didn’t know whether to be happy or angry. I was happy because I was pregnant by the man I was in love with, but angry because at 18, I wasn’t ready to give up my freedom. I wanted to go out, hang with my friends, go party and clubbing. Now I was going to have to stop all of that and be a mother. Plus I told him to put on a condom, but he promised he would pull out in time to avoid a pregnancy. Apparently, he hadn’t been quick enough, because now I was carrying his child. But I wasn’t worried, because I was convinced that my boo KeShawn would step up to the plate and handle his business. He’d take care of me and our child. I was sure of it.

So here I was, on the way to KeShawn’s apartment to deliver the news. I let myself into the building with my copy of his keys, and decided to take the stairs instead of the rickety elevator. I reached the fourth floor and opened the stairwell door, which opened into the fourth floor hallway right beside KeShawn’s apartment door. When I stepped out of the stairwell into the hallway, I noticed that my heart was beating at a breakneck speed, my palms were sweating, and I had butterflies in my stomach. I figured that suddenly my subconscious mind had become nervous of the prospect of telling KeShawn the news. I took a moment to compose myself, took out my keys, and let myself in.

The first thing I noticed when I walked in was the sound of Teddy Pendegrass, singing his heart out, coming from the direction of the bedroom. I walked through the kitchen towards the living room, which ultimately led to the bedroom.

The next thing I noticed was the clothing scattered throughout the living room. Pig, I thought, thinking that KeShawn had come in and just shed his clothing as soon as he walked through the door, as he often did on hot summer days such as this one. Then I realized with a start that there were clothes scattered that did not belong to KeShawn. Women’s clothes. Women’s clothes that did not belong to me.

Still not adding everything up, I continued walking. As I was passing the bathroom, I noticed the
steamed up mirror and, stepping inside, saw two towels tossed carelessly on the floor. Kicking aside one of them, I noticed a pair of women’s thong underwear laying underneath the other towel. This nigga cheatin’ on me? Nah it can’t be. There’s a good explanation for this. We in love, he wouldn’t mess that up, I thought.

I stepped out of the bathroom and walked up to the bedroom door. Almost drowned out by the sound of Teddy Pendergrass was a creaking that sounded suspiciously like bed springs, accompanied by a series of low moans. I froze, not believing my ears, and was only snapped out of my trance by a loud shriek.

“Oh yeah, Daddy, that’s it!”

As soon as my mind processed what I had just heard, I sprang into motion. I kicked open that door with such force that it slammed into the wall and bounced back. By the time it slammed closed, I was already to the bed, yanking my best friend’s naked body off of my man.

“Waaaaaaaaaaaa!”

My baby’s wailing yanked me out of my reverie, away from the memory of what I did to the two of those conniving backstabbers in the minutes that followed, and back into the present. I climbed out of the bathtub and wrapped myself up in an extra large towel. Then I went into the bedroom and pulled him out of his crib. I rocked him, sang to him, gave him a bottle, changed his diaper, and tried everything I could think of to get him to stop screaming, but he wouldn’t calm down. Anything I tried, failed. He’d just scream louder, and I was sick and tired of it. Every day, every night, this little bundle of sorrow and resentment screamed like this for more hours of the day than he was quiet, causing me innumerable headaches and a surplus of anger and frustration. With almost no help (other than financial) from KeShawn, I was basically all alone to fend for myself and my baby. Usually I managed to pull it together, but sometimes I got so fed up that I had to call out to God and Jesus to help me have patience.

This was one of those times. But the shrieked words to Heaven did not give me peace today. Instead, I felt something inside of me snapping. I shook my son and screamed at him to shut up. He continued to cry. I slapped him and threw him onto the bed. He cried louder. At that moment, I lost all control as I reached my breaking point. I picked him up by his legs, carried him into the bathroom, and dropped him in the tub, which still held my bathwater. As I watched his tiny body squirm underwater, with him unsuccessfully trying to draw air into his lungs, but instead inhaling a lungful of water, all I could think was that I was finally getting some peace.

Minutes passed, and eventually, De'Sean stopped struggling. I stared down at him, laying facedown in the tub, for what seemed like hours. Then reality set in, and the gravity of what I’d done hit me. That’s when I blacked out.

{{To Be Continued}}

The Lil Girl's Side

The lil girl, afta castin out her rainbow, sits & waits for a playmate to come slidin across... Not cuz she feels that she needs sum1 to play wit but cuz it's normal to her, & plus, it’s more fun to have sum1 to play wit than to play all by herself. But every lil boy that comes slidin across is all wrong... && every time she figures this out, she sends the lil boy in question away, neva to share anotha playdate wit her again... Yet she still sits in the same place waitin on the next lil boy to play wit.

Day afta day she casts out her rainbow as she sits in the grass all alone. One rainy day she sees a lil boy approachin her, but lo & behold, he's not slidin slyly across the rainbow... He's makin his way to her thru the grass! This really confuses the lil girl a lot cuz she's not used to lil boys takin the path thru the grass... She's used to them slidin ova the rainbow & tryin to take her as their own jus to use her & abuse her... Which has caused her to be distrustful of these sneaky lil boys. Since this is such a new experience for the lil girl [a lil boy takin a more straightforward, direct, yet lengthier approach] she thinks that she’ll be wary of the lil boy once he reaches her...

But the strangest thing happens... The lil girl trusts the lil boy very easily, even acceptin a piece of his sandwich that he offers her... She & the lil boy sit in the grass & they talk & play like old friends for the longest time… til the lil boy says he hasta go home... Cuz it’s gettin dark... The lil girl gets extra sad cuz this lil boy was a welcome relief from the normal type a lil boys that come & visit her at the edge of her rainbow... She asks him if she’ll eva see him again... [{and the boy simply replies "whenever i'm walkin and see the rainbow, we'll see each other again."

Evryday the little girl casts her rainbow in the direction from which he came and evryday he wanders by and sees the rainbow the boy stops by ta share his sandwich and have a seat.}] The lil girl begins to look forward to his visits... She thinks about the lil boy even when he’s not around & counts the time down til she can see him again...

One day, the lil girl is settlin down for her afternoon nap, but as much as she tries she can’t fall asleep… all she can do is lay there thinkin bout how special the lil boy is to her, instead of sleepin like she was supposed to be doin... She realizes that she really likes playin wit & bein around this lil boy, & that she really cares for this lil boy a lot, way more than she eva cared about any otha lil boy that came by to play with her... He’s so different, so special, that she can honestly say that no otha lil boy matters anymore cuz this lil boy... This lil boy is betta than all the rest of the lil boys... He’s perfect to her. He’s thoughtful & considerate, & what's more, he actually cares to know all about the lil girl & her favorite games to play instead of jus tryna take her toys a few days afta meetin her... He actually knows her betta than she knows herself & knows what games she wants to play before she can even decide herself...

The lil girl knows that she doesn’t want any otha playmate except this lil boy, & she’s ready to share all her favorite games wit him... But the lil boy likes to take it slowly before decidin on his games... && since she is serious about this lil boy... She decides to play by his rules... So instead of tryna play by her own rules, or rather, the rules that all the otha lil boys played by... She jus leans back in the grass & decides to go with the flow...

(To be continued...)
Anotha day the lil girl turns to the lil boy & hugs him tight, hopin to neva hafta let him go... Cuz she knows jus how different, how rare & wonderful this lil boy is… The lil girl knows this lil boy is a special type a friend… The best kind… The kind that makes the lil girl know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would neva in life have to worry bout the lil boy ever hurtin her...

{{This was a response to a story someone wrote about me...}}

My Murder Story

She told him never to go there... but he didn’t listen. At the stroke of midnight one eerily quiet night he snuck out of his room and crept silently through the hall, down the stairs, and out the back door. As he walked along, he felt a sensation of being watched. Every few steps he turned to see if he was being followed, but there was no one there. He reached his destination, and as he pushed aside the branches, he felt a hand on the back of his neck. He turned, and there she was! She looked at him as she squeezed the life out of him, saying "I warned you."

The End


{{Lmao... this is what happens when I'm bored}}

El's Revenge

She did it again. After everything that happened the last time, she did it again anyways. But this time, unlike all the other times, she got what she REALLY deserved in the end. She knows it too, lying there in a pool of her own blood, wide-eyed.

Oh, jeez, I'm getting ahead of myself again... Sometimes I have a problem with that.

It all started this one time when--- Wait, that's not how I want to tell it. That part there came from all of the years of talking to my shrink, Dr. Pattinger, every Tuesday and, more recently, Fridays also. Let me start over.

* * * * *

She was a rude bitch, and as evil as they came. Oh, and did I mention that she was psycho? Yeah, that's an important fact to know. Well anyways, she liked to scream. Scream until her lungs collapsed, her throat grew hoarse, and she got a migraine and became dizzy and lightheaded from yelling for so long without taking a breath. And that would be all fine and dandy, except she especially liked to scream at me. That was definitely NOT fine and dandy, because then I would scream right back at her, and that's where trouble would get started.

* * * * *

So, normally, she'd yell at me, I'd yell back, et cetera, et cetera, until she couldn't scream anymore, and then she'd leave me alone, at least until she found her voice again. Or found something ELSE to scream at me about. But this time was different. She came at me screaming, spittle flying from her mouth, hair wild about on her head, as if she were a madwoman. First I thought, wow, shes showing her true self today, then I thought, why the hell is she coming at me? Whats wrong with her? Wait, what is she doing with that vase? But before I could figure it out, she snatched up the vase in question and hurled it at me.

* * * * *

When I came to, I was more puzzled than upset. What the hell? Why did she throw a vase at me? I had no clue. Then I got angry. I didn't do anything to her to make her do that!!! I got up and looked around. I spotted her, at the kitchen table, calmly smoking a cigarette, drinking iced tea with mint leaves, and thumbing through a magazine. I walked over to her and slapped the hell out of her.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Are you fuckin crazy?"

Then I slapped her again and walked away.

And for a few days, there was no more screaming, no more flying vases. I thought, Maybe shes cured, ha-ha. Nah, its too good to be true.

I was right.

* * * * *

One day I came home after chilling with my best friends, Matt and Andy. We were joking about her crazy ass while we were out, because they've seen our "shouting matches", as Andy jokingly calls them.

Anyways, I came home after hanging with Matt and Andy. As I walked through the door, she came out of the kitchen, hands behind her back. As I eyed her suspiciously, wondering what the hell she was up to, she did the same to me.

Then she asked me, "Where have you been?"

"Not that its any of your business, but I've been out with a friend or two."

"Who, Natalia?" she sneered.

"No, but if I was, it wouldn't be any of your concern, Tiandra."

* * * * *

Now let me explain. Natalia is my girlfriend and Tiandra is a bit jealous of our relationship. I tell her its none of her business. What I do and who I do it with is up to me.

* * * * *

Anyways, she replied to that by saying, "It is my damn concern. I'm supposed to be the most important female in your life, the ONLY one you love."

"Whatever. I'm tired, so if you'll kindly move out of my way, it would be appreciated. "

I tried to walk past her, and that's when I found out what was behind her back. Just as I stepped past her, she swung her arm diagonally, and had I not seen it coming and jumped out of the way, I would have had quite a gash in my chest, or maybe a nicely slashed throat, depending on if I had still been walking when the knife connected with me, since it had been traveling diagonally instead of horizontally. Anyway, since she didn't slice me, her arm continued on, and I grabbed her from behind and took the knife from her. As she struggled to grab it from me, it slipped out of my hand and flew across the room into the kitchen. I turned to retrieve it, and as I was approaching it, she threw her 5'8'', 190-pound frame against my back, causing me to stumble and fall. She fell on top of me. I heaved her off of me and got up, pulling her up by her neck. I choked her until she turned red, then flung her against the wall. She slid to the floor, panting.

I went over and picked up the butcher knife that she tried to stab me with, and threw it into the kitchen sink. Then I looked over at her.

I walked over to her and said, "Don't mess with me, Tiandra. I'm not the one."

At that, I turned and left her panting, pathetic ass at the bottom of the stairs as I ascended them and walked into the computer room, shutting the door behind me.

I took out my cell phone and called Natalia, telling her about Tiandra's newest psychotic antics.

"When are you going to move out of that house?" she whined. "I don't like the fact that you're still living there with her, when she knows about us and she's showing violent tendencies toward you."

"Please don't start the whining today. I told you, I can't leave until I find a place of my own. But I'm looking, okay?"

"But I told you, you can always come stay with me!"

"Baby, she knows where you live. You know that. And you also know that if I come live with you, she'll do some crazy stuff, maybe come to your house and start some trouble. And think about this: if she's crazy enough to try to stab ME, then what would she try to do to you if I leave her to live with you?"

"True. Well, I hope you find your own place soon, cuz if she keep tryna hurt you, I might have to do something violent to her. I love you boo."

"I love you, too. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Alright, bye, El."

And we hung up. I sat there for a while, missing Natalia, the love of my life, the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my time on this Earth with, wanting to hold her, for her to hold me, wanting to kiss her soft, full lips, wanting... Damn. I sighed, missing the scent of her, her easy smile, her eyes, her... I was snapped out of my reverie by the sound of Tiandra's footsteps coming slowly up the stairs. She opened the door to the computer room, cut her eyes at me, and said, "It ain't over."

Then she closed the door to the computer room, and went into her bedroom, closing and locking her door. I rolled my eyes, sighed, and turned on the computer. I signed on to America Online, and typed www.ForRent.com into the explorer bar. Once the page loaded, I continued the search for my own apartment.

* * * * *

The next morning, I found out what Tiandra meant when she told me that it wasn't over. After I took a shower, I dressed in the bathroom. Then when I stepped out, a baseball bat appeared out of nowhere and connected with my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. Tiandra stood at the top of the stairs, ready to swing again.

She must be out of her goddamn mind, I thought, and took a step toward her. She swung again, this time at my head, but unfortunately for her, she missed. She lost her balance and almost fell down the stairs. She dropped the bat so she could grab onto the railing. I picked up the bat and swung. It connected with her shoulder. She removed one hand from the railing to rub her shoulder. I stepped closer and shoved her, making her fall down the flight of stairs. I heard several cracks as bones snapped on the way down. Finally, she hit the landing with a thud, crying out in pain as she lay there, twisted in unnatural angles. I laughed, saying, "That doesn't feel so nice, now does it?"

"El, please, it hurts, help me!"

"Why should I? You threw a vase at my head, you hit me with a baseball bat, and on top of all that, you tried to chop me up yesterday, all for NO REASON. And now you want my help? Fuck outta here!"

And I went into my room and closed the door. Now, you may say that I'm cruel, but come on. Look at all the things she did to me for no apparent reason. If you were in the same situation, can you honestly say that you would help her?

Well, after I closed my door, I waited a good 10 minutes to let her suffer, then I called 911, and put on my best performance, telling them how she tripped and fell down the stairs, and "I think she broke some bones," and "OH MY GOD I'm so scared," and all that bull crap. In between gasps and sobs, I gave them the address, and I was told that an ambulance was on the way.

I hung up and opened the door. By that time, she was sobbing. I laughed at her again, and said, "Quiet down Tiandra. An ambulance is on the way.

"Now, I told them that you tripped and fell down the stairs, and I expect you to stick by that story, and not tell them that I pushed you."

"You're crazy!" she exclaimed.

"No, bitch, you're the crazy one. Now agree to telling MY version of the story, or I'm gonna agree to tell the police how you nearly gave me a concussion with that vase, and how I almost had an unpleasant and unfortunate experience with that butcher knife yesterday. Oh, and how the reason why you're laying there like that is because you decided to attack me with this here Louisville Slugger. I don't think they would take too kindly to accusations of 2 counts--- or is it 3 counts?--- of assault with a deadly weapon, even if you are a bit broken up right now. Now what happened to you?"

Silence. Then, "I tripped and fell down the stairs on my own."

"Good girl, Tiandra. Oh, I think I hear the ambulance."

With that, I ran down the stairs, mustered up a few tears, and threw open the front door, letting the paramedics know that this was the house they were looking for.

* * * * *

When we arrived at the hospital, she was rushed right into the emergency room. The doctor that saw her determined that both of her legs were fractured in multiple places, and she had bruised a few ribs and her shoulder blades, but other than that she was fine, externally. She had some concerns about internal damage and a possible concussion. She ran more tests.

* * * * *

Later, the doctor told us that Tiandra had suffered a mild concussion, but there were no damages to her internal organs. She would, however, be staying in the hospital for 3 to 4 weeks, so she could be monitored, in case any problems developed in the next few weeks due to her accident. Since my presence was no longer necessary, I went home.

* * * * *

Three weeks later, I had to go pick her crippled ass up from the hospital. The doctor finally deemed it safe for her to come home. Tiandra was silent the whole ride home. She just stared at me and said nothing. I ignored her and drove. When we got home, I pushed her and her wheelchair up to the front steps, carried her up them, then placed her back in her wheelchair and wheeled her in the house, playing the part of the perfect little helper in case any of the neighbors were watching. But once we were in the house with the door closed, she was on her own.

I left to go to my appointment with my psychologist, Dr. J. Pattinger. But before I left, I had to crack a joke, at Tiandra's expense.

"Now Tiandra, I'm going to see Natalia. Don't go trying to follow me to her house. Oh, wait, you can't because you can't use those busted up legs to drive!" I laughed and left as she glared at me.

* * * * *

When I came back, Tiandra was laying on the couch in the living room. I could see one of our guns, which we kept to protect us from intruders, laying next to her. She had tried to tuck it out of sight, but I could still see the handle of it from the angle I was looking at. I tried not to let on, though. I went into the kitchen and grabbed another one out of one of the drawers, just to be on the safe side. I slipped it into one of the deep pockets of my baggy sweatpants. Then, keeping my hand in my pocket, I went to her and said, "Hey, Tiandra, I'm back."

"Oh. Did you have fun with Natalia?" she asked, while trying to inconspicuously inch her hand toward the gun. I saw her, though, and just as her hands gripped it, I grabbed her.

"What the hell, you tryna shoot me now?" I yelled.

"I'ma kill you, just like you tried to kill me!"

She tried to aim the gun at me, but I wrenched her hand around so that the gun was pointed at her temple. Then I used her own finger to pull the trigger.

* * * * *

Funny how in movies, people's blood slowly leaks from their wounds. Well, her blood seems to be rushing out, making a puddle larger than I would have expected so quickly. After we pulled the trigger, she didn't die instantly. She fell off of the couch, to where she's laying now. Her eyes got wide, as she whispered to me, "I'm dying, El. You killed me." Then her eyes glazed over and got distant, and soon after that, she was gone.

* * * * *

The ambulance is on the way. When I made the call, I told them that she committed suicide. After I hung up, I wiped my prints off of the gun that I had in my pocket and put it back where it belonged. There's no way that anyone could ever DREAM that this was a homicide, let alone prove it. I made certain of that. The only person that knows the truth is me. Well, the only LIVING person, at least. Because Tiandra knows that I killed her.

I wonder what was going through her mind those last few seconds of her pitiful life. I guess nobody will ever know. I sure can't say. I'll tell you one thing, though: I bet she never would have expected that her soon to be 18 year old, 5'3'', 125 pound daughter Noelle would be the end of her, through matricide.